When I started this blog, it was on a happy note, shortly after I found out I was pregnant. Initially, I only meant to write about my pregnancy. I was so overjoyed, I wanted to document every little bit of it. Back then, I didn't know I would still be writing after becoming a mom. But here I am, being a mother of a 4 months old and today I want to take this moment to remember the past. As mentioned in the prologue, this pregnancy didn't come easy for us. We tried for almost 2 years to conceive our first child. It was a tough and very humbling experience, but looking back I realized it set the tone for my pregnancy and now, motherhood.
Ron and I started to seriously think about having a baby, after his father had suffered a severe heart attack and was in a coma after. Against all odds, he recovered beautifully, but it was during that time that Ron and I made the decision to "start working" on that baby. We were young, healthy and in love and thought it was as easy as dropping birth control and just having fun. Well, we did drop birth control and we did have fun (a lot) but it turned out that it wasn't as easy after all. Months went by and we were still not pregnant. I clearly remember the first time I really started to worry after the first few months of trying to conceive. It was just one thought of becoming unsure and things became much more serious after that. We started to track my cycle, ate better, exercised more, (but not too much). More months went by without a positive pregnancy test and by that time I started to feel cheated. This was supposed to be a fun and beautiful experience. Creating a new life with our love. But instead of happiness and joy, I felt disappointment and heartache every month. It was very emotional to go through the whole cycle each month: Tracking ovulation, trying to pinpoint the best timing for "the act", making sure we got the right position, the right angle and stressing about the right amount of time with my legs up in the air afterwards. And then waiting, oh the dreaded two week wait until I could take a pregnancy test. During that time I analyzed every single twitch and cramp, every "symptom" and every little mood swing. I drove myself crazy, so torn between hope and fear of another negative test. I tested as early as a pregnancy test would suggest it might work. And then the heartache and cold disappointment when it was negative again. The shy hope over the next days, of thinking I may have tested too early, spending money on more tests, which then also turned out to be negative. It always took me a few more days each month to recover from it. To build new hope and excitement and to find the energy for the next cycle. We were more determined as ever. Sex became a chore, precisely timed and carefully planned. Romance was long gone... we were on a mission.
The more months past, the bigger became the fear that something was not right. I worried a lot if we would ever be able to have children of our own. Worries like "what will my body look like after pregnancy?", "how will we afford a baby?" and "how will our life change?" faded, all our doubts disappeared. We only worried about getting pregnant. To give life to a child. Nothing else was important. We wanted this unconditional love in our lives. Everything else would just work itself out. We started to consider alternative options, like adoption. I was ready to start filing at that point, but Ron wasn't quite ready to give up. More months of negative pregnancy tests, more broken dreams, more frustration... Finally, we made an appointment with a fertility specialist. I underwent a bunch of tests with a rather short mannered and arrogant doctor. We both felt talked down to and unheard. All tests came back normal. We just could not understand why we were not able to get pregnant. Were we trying hard enough? Too hard? I started asking myself if I was not worthy to be a mom. Did I simply not deserve it? What had I done to go through this? And then there were those little stabs of envy every time I saw a pregnant woman while shopping, or worse, within our family or circle of friends. It wasn't that I was not happy for them, on the contrary! But there was this pain on a deeper level, the feeling of being hurt in a way I could not recover from. My body was obviously broken. I could not do the one thing a woman was designed to do. I was in a dark place. And yet I kept a smile on my face, a mask to hide the hurt whenever someone asked when we would finally have a baby. With most people I became good at re-directing questions and changing the topic. We only shared details with close family and friends, but I never fully opened up about how bad I really felt.
Trying to conceive a baby became exhausting and we started to feel the effects of that stress in our relationship. We knew something had to change, we could not continue like this. We adopted a second dog in an attempt to fill the hole this experience had created. We planned a long weekend trip to the mountains for the fall to get away from everything. Something to look forward to, something to take our mind off things. Of course this never really worked. Still, all I could think of was my wish to become a mom. So naturally, when my birthday rolled around, that was my one and only secret wish that consumed my mind when I was blowing out those candles.
Fast forward 2.5 weeks. September 10th was when I held my very first positive pregnancy test in my hands. The day that would change everything. (Read first blog entry here)
I don't think I could ever find the right words to describe the happiness that I felt in that moment. All the doubt, the worry, the fear, the heartache, all the tears I cried, the endless disappointment... in that moment it all disappeared in an instant and instead I was filled with sheer joy and hope and love, love for this tiny being inside my belly. It was like I saw the world in a brand new light, everything changed. For the better.
I think I took close to 12 pregnancy tests in the following two weeks. Ron was one of those people who silently shook their head about my behavior. But I didn't care, I had earned this! I fought long for this moment, I had taken too many negative tests - to see that second line appear now, to watch it get darker every day was unbelievable and amazing. I took pictures of all of them, I wanted to never forget any of the little details about this pregnancy. It was sacred to me. I felt so thankful, so grateful for this gift that was given me. For the opportunity to experience motherhood in it's complete beauty. And I had a wonderful pregnancy, I took nothing for granted. I cherished every moment of it. I was fearless because of what I went through prior to getting pregnant. I was able to enjoy every single bit of this beautiful journey.
I could now see, that I would've never been able to experience this miracle the way I did without all the difficulty of getting to this point. In a way, it all made sense to me. I promised myself that I would never forget this feeling. And I haven't to this point. Whenever I am stressed, or tired, or worry about things, I think back to that time when we were trying to get pregnant. It puts things in perspective. It makes it all better. Life is beautiful...
Ron and I started to seriously think about having a baby, after his father had suffered a severe heart attack and was in a coma after. Against all odds, he recovered beautifully, but it was during that time that Ron and I made the decision to "start working" on that baby. We were young, healthy and in love and thought it was as easy as dropping birth control and just having fun. Well, we did drop birth control and we did have fun (a lot) but it turned out that it wasn't as easy after all. Months went by and we were still not pregnant. I clearly remember the first time I really started to worry after the first few months of trying to conceive. It was just one thought of becoming unsure and things became much more serious after that. We started to track my cycle, ate better, exercised more, (but not too much). More months went by without a positive pregnancy test and by that time I started to feel cheated. This was supposed to be a fun and beautiful experience. Creating a new life with our love. But instead of happiness and joy, I felt disappointment and heartache every month. It was very emotional to go through the whole cycle each month: Tracking ovulation, trying to pinpoint the best timing for "the act", making sure we got the right position, the right angle and stressing about the right amount of time with my legs up in the air afterwards. And then waiting, oh the dreaded two week wait until I could take a pregnancy test. During that time I analyzed every single twitch and cramp, every "symptom" and every little mood swing. I drove myself crazy, so torn between hope and fear of another negative test. I tested as early as a pregnancy test would suggest it might work. And then the heartache and cold disappointment when it was negative again. The shy hope over the next days, of thinking I may have tested too early, spending money on more tests, which then also turned out to be negative. It always took me a few more days each month to recover from it. To build new hope and excitement and to find the energy for the next cycle. We were more determined as ever. Sex became a chore, precisely timed and carefully planned. Romance was long gone... we were on a mission.
The more months past, the bigger became the fear that something was not right. I worried a lot if we would ever be able to have children of our own. Worries like "what will my body look like after pregnancy?", "how will we afford a baby?" and "how will our life change?" faded, all our doubts disappeared. We only worried about getting pregnant. To give life to a child. Nothing else was important. We wanted this unconditional love in our lives. Everything else would just work itself out. We started to consider alternative options, like adoption. I was ready to start filing at that point, but Ron wasn't quite ready to give up. More months of negative pregnancy tests, more broken dreams, more frustration... Finally, we made an appointment with a fertility specialist. I underwent a bunch of tests with a rather short mannered and arrogant doctor. We both felt talked down to and unheard. All tests came back normal. We just could not understand why we were not able to get pregnant. Were we trying hard enough? Too hard? I started asking myself if I was not worthy to be a mom. Did I simply not deserve it? What had I done to go through this? And then there were those little stabs of envy every time I saw a pregnant woman while shopping, or worse, within our family or circle of friends. It wasn't that I was not happy for them, on the contrary! But there was this pain on a deeper level, the feeling of being hurt in a way I could not recover from. My body was obviously broken. I could not do the one thing a woman was designed to do. I was in a dark place. And yet I kept a smile on my face, a mask to hide the hurt whenever someone asked when we would finally have a baby. With most people I became good at re-directing questions and changing the topic. We only shared details with close family and friends, but I never fully opened up about how bad I really felt.
Trying to conceive a baby became exhausting and we started to feel the effects of that stress in our relationship. We knew something had to change, we could not continue like this. We adopted a second dog in an attempt to fill the hole this experience had created. We planned a long weekend trip to the mountains for the fall to get away from everything. Something to look forward to, something to take our mind off things. Of course this never really worked. Still, all I could think of was my wish to become a mom. So naturally, when my birthday rolled around, that was my one and only secret wish that consumed my mind when I was blowing out those candles.
Fast forward 2.5 weeks. September 10th was when I held my very first positive pregnancy test in my hands. The day that would change everything. (Read first blog entry here)
I don't think I could ever find the right words to describe the happiness that I felt in that moment. All the doubt, the worry, the fear, the heartache, all the tears I cried, the endless disappointment... in that moment it all disappeared in an instant and instead I was filled with sheer joy and hope and love, love for this tiny being inside my belly. It was like I saw the world in a brand new light, everything changed. For the better.
I think I took close to 12 pregnancy tests in the following two weeks. Ron was one of those people who silently shook their head about my behavior. But I didn't care, I had earned this! I fought long for this moment, I had taken too many negative tests - to see that second line appear now, to watch it get darker every day was unbelievable and amazing. I took pictures of all of them, I wanted to never forget any of the little details about this pregnancy. It was sacred to me. I felt so thankful, so grateful for this gift that was given me. For the opportunity to experience motherhood in it's complete beauty. And I had a wonderful pregnancy, I took nothing for granted. I cherished every moment of it. I was fearless because of what I went through prior to getting pregnant. I was able to enjoy every single bit of this beautiful journey.
I could now see, that I would've never been able to experience this miracle the way I did without all the difficulty of getting to this point. In a way, it all made sense to me. I promised myself that I would never forget this feeling. And I haven't to this point. Whenever I am stressed, or tired, or worry about things, I think back to that time when we were trying to get pregnant. It puts things in perspective. It makes it all better. Life is beautiful...