Honestly, how often do we tell our kids "No"? Such a small word, with a heavy, negative burden. Yet, it leaves our lips effortlessly and way too often. I noticed, that I used it more and more once Amelie got mobile. I caught myself over and over again and and I saw how frustrating it was for her. And not only for her, but for me too! The more I repeated "no", the more annoyed I got. I kept focusing on the things she wasn't supposed to get into instead of trying of see the world through her eyes; all the fascinating new things that she was now able to reach. How exciting it was for her to be able to experience that she could actually get to where she wanted to go, well, crawl. Simple things, like what a great feeling it is, to have an immediate reaction caused by her action by pulling out books from the shelve or pulling out tissues from the tissue box. Every single one of them. And then ripping them to tiny pieces. How amazing it is for her to figure out, that she can't grab the water in the pet bowl, but that she can spill it and watch it pour all over the kitchen floor.
Once I was able to understand her better, I wanted to give her the freedom of safely discovering her world around her, without constantly shutting her down. At first, I still cringed at the mess and the chaos, but once I was able to let go, I enjoyed watching her explore her surroundings.
Naturally, children need boundaries: to keep them safe and to support their social skills. So how to enforce that without saying no? I set out to find a good AND realistic alternative for the word "no". Here is what I came up with:
Here and there, we do need the word "no", however, I always explain why she can't have or do something. I want Amelie to know that "no" is a powerful and important statement, not to be taken lightly. I also try to balance it with the word "yes" and encouragement. Making her feel safe to freely move around and explore is just as important as teaching her limits.
I do catch myself saying "no" more than I want to at times, especially when I'm tired or stressed. I feel bad about that and I strive to do better, but I am still only human. I make mistakes. I learn from them. I move on. I have come a long way since I started this mommy thing and I am surprised by how much I really learn about myself on this journey.
We are so much happier now. Things are more relaxed in this house. Because now, I understand that behind every mess, every toy on the floor, is my daughter developing and learning about the world we live in.
Once I was able to understand her better, I wanted to give her the freedom of safely discovering her world around her, without constantly shutting her down. At first, I still cringed at the mess and the chaos, but once I was able to let go, I enjoyed watching her explore her surroundings.
Naturally, children need boundaries: to keep them safe and to support their social skills. So how to enforce that without saying no? I set out to find a good AND realistic alternative for the word "no". Here is what I came up with:
- "Please wait": It signals Amelie that I have noticed her needs and that I will tend to her as soon as I can, while also teaching her how to be patient. Example: Amelie wants to be held while I am cooking. I tell her "please wait" and pick her up as soon as I can. In the meantime, I talk or sing to her.
- "Stop": I use it if the well-being of Amelie is threatened. I use a serious voice that resembles the urgency of the situation to get her to hesitate and look at me. This signals her, that I am protecting her instead of forbidding her. Example: Amelie is crawling towards the edge of the bed. I tell her "stop" and then call her back to me once she looks at me.
Here and there, we do need the word "no", however, I always explain why she can't have or do something. I want Amelie to know that "no" is a powerful and important statement, not to be taken lightly. I also try to balance it with the word "yes" and encouragement. Making her feel safe to freely move around and explore is just as important as teaching her limits.
I do catch myself saying "no" more than I want to at times, especially when I'm tired or stressed. I feel bad about that and I strive to do better, but I am still only human. I make mistakes. I learn from them. I move on. I have come a long way since I started this mommy thing and I am surprised by how much I really learn about myself on this journey.
We are so much happier now. Things are more relaxed in this house. Because now, I understand that behind every mess, every toy on the floor, is my daughter developing and learning about the world we live in.