Amelie is going through a sleep regression. It's been really frustrating for me. I am exhausted. During the day and at night. She has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. She wakes up often, every 20-30 minutes before finally drifting off to a deeper sleep, only to wake again later throughout the night. I nurse her up to 5 times a night. She power naps during the day. I am lucky if I get 20 minutes to myself these days.
Dad can't soothe her at night, it has to be me. When he tries to calm her, she repeatedly screams "Mamamama" like she is being murdered. I try to ignore it, I know she is in good hands.
But I simply can't, every cell of my being aches when I hear her cry. It is torture. Not going to her feels wrong.
I am torn. I am so tired. I have a thousands things to do. Amelie is still screaming. She is giving it all she has. I cringe. It breaks my heart. I feel trapped. I am angry. Why can't she just go to sleep?! She did it before! I hate you sleep regression!
Dad can't soothe her at night, it has to be me. When he tries to calm her, she repeatedly screams "Mamamama" like she is being murdered. I try to ignore it, I know she is in good hands.
But I simply can't, every cell of my being aches when I hear her cry. It is torture. Not going to her feels wrong.
I am torn. I am so tired. I have a thousands things to do. Amelie is still screaming. She is giving it all she has. I cringe. It breaks my heart. I feel trapped. I am angry. Why can't she just go to sleep?! She did it before! I hate you sleep regression!
I hear Amelie's desperates cries "Mamamama". I start crying. I feel guilty for being angry with her. I feel like I am doing everything wrong. I am ruining my child. "Mamamama!"
I surrender. I go into her room where dad is rocking her, his lullaby is drowned out by Amelie's screaming. I take her, her screaming turns to sobbing immediately. "Mamamama...". "Shhhhh, Mama is here." Dad leaves the room. I rock her. Her body shakes from the slowing sobs. Her hands are holding onto me for dear life. Like I am her lifesaver.
I realize at that second, I am exactly that to her. Tears spring to my eyes again. She is going through something. I don't understand it, but she desperately needs me. She needs me more than I am exhausted. She needs me more than all the things I have to do. She needs me more than I need sleep.
I dry her tears. I kiss her head. I feel her becoming calm. Her eyes close. I watch her face relax. I feel her warm, soft body against mine. Her breathing steadies. She is sleeping. She is at peace...
...and so am I.
I surrender. I go into her room where dad is rocking her, his lullaby is drowned out by Amelie's screaming. I take her, her screaming turns to sobbing immediately. "Mamamama...". "Shhhhh, Mama is here." Dad leaves the room. I rock her. Her body shakes from the slowing sobs. Her hands are holding onto me for dear life. Like I am her lifesaver.
I realize at that second, I am exactly that to her. Tears spring to my eyes again. She is going through something. I don't understand it, but she desperately needs me. She needs me more than I am exhausted. She needs me more than all the things I have to do. She needs me more than I need sleep.
I dry her tears. I kiss her head. I feel her becoming calm. Her eyes close. I watch her face relax. I feel her warm, soft body against mine. Her breathing steadies. She is sleeping. She is at peace...
...and so am I.