I am done! Seriously. I have been making excuses for my daughter for too long now, and I am sick of it. I mean, can you imagine, she is only 11 months old and I am already lying for her. The thing is, I don't even have a reason: She has done nothing wrong.
Amelie has always been a serious baby. She didn't smile much and you really had to work to get a little chuckle out of her. She has also always been very attached to me, new faces, situations or surroundings easily overwhelm her. Our pediatrician said, she went through the separation anxiety phase early. After being worried initially, I now know that this is her personality. It is not just a phase. It's simply part of who she is. And that is OK. She is a perfectly happy child. Once she warms up to you, she smiles, laughs and gives kisses or high fives. She even fell asleep in the arms of my sister-in-law this past Easter.
Where is the problem you might ask. I'll come back to the real answer to that question later.
We all know the well meaning, generally, elderly ladies, who can't help themselves but get right up in a baby's face. These are perfect strangers - and yes, a random neighbor that we see maybe once every two months does count as a stranger from my daughter's perspective - who does not seem to have any scruples, nor the respect, to interfere with this little person's private space. Tell me again, who gave you the right to touch her? Oh yeah, that's right: Me. By smiling politely and standing by, grinding my teeth, but keeping my calm. I see my daughter getting scared, her eyes wide, her small body bending away from the eager person in front of her. I see the tears in her eyes building up and then I hear: "Awww, why doesn't she smile? Is she not friendly? Come on, give me a smile sweet baby. Don't you like me?"
Um, no lady, probably not at the moment. But I hear myself say: "Awww, you know she is tired." Or: "Awww, she just woke up and is still sleepy." Or: Awww, (what's the awwws anyway??) she is teething."
I am betraying my child, right then and there. I feel terrible. Amelie is looking at me, clearly asking for my help to get away from this situation. She starts crying. The stranger says: "Oh well, well there, no reason to cry. You guys have a good day now" and pads her head. I am still smiling. I hear myself say: "Thank you, you too."
Mama bear comes out later. My blood is boiling. I am so mad, mostly at myself. I failed as a mother. I didn't protect my child. I hug my crying, stressed out daughter and whisper "I'm sorry" over and over.
Amelie has always been a serious baby. She didn't smile much and you really had to work to get a little chuckle out of her. She has also always been very attached to me, new faces, situations or surroundings easily overwhelm her. Our pediatrician said, she went through the separation anxiety phase early. After being worried initially, I now know that this is her personality. It is not just a phase. It's simply part of who she is. And that is OK. She is a perfectly happy child. Once she warms up to you, she smiles, laughs and gives kisses or high fives. She even fell asleep in the arms of my sister-in-law this past Easter.
Where is the problem you might ask. I'll come back to the real answer to that question later.
We all know the well meaning, generally, elderly ladies, who can't help themselves but get right up in a baby's face. These are perfect strangers - and yes, a random neighbor that we see maybe once every two months does count as a stranger from my daughter's perspective - who does not seem to have any scruples, nor the respect, to interfere with this little person's private space. Tell me again, who gave you the right to touch her? Oh yeah, that's right: Me. By smiling politely and standing by, grinding my teeth, but keeping my calm. I see my daughter getting scared, her eyes wide, her small body bending away from the eager person in front of her. I see the tears in her eyes building up and then I hear: "Awww, why doesn't she smile? Is she not friendly? Come on, give me a smile sweet baby. Don't you like me?"
Um, no lady, probably not at the moment. But I hear myself say: "Awww, you know she is tired." Or: "Awww, she just woke up and is still sleepy." Or: Awww, (what's the awwws anyway??) she is teething."
I am betraying my child, right then and there. I feel terrible. Amelie is looking at me, clearly asking for my help to get away from this situation. She starts crying. The stranger says: "Oh well, well there, no reason to cry. You guys have a good day now" and pads her head. I am still smiling. I hear myself say: "Thank you, you too."
Mama bear comes out later. My blood is boiling. I am so mad, mostly at myself. I failed as a mother. I didn't protect my child. I hug my crying, stressed out daughter and whisper "I'm sorry" over and over.
This is just one example of many situations. Why do I make up stories for her behavior? Let me tell you a little bit about myself:
I am a people-pleaser. I am also a yes-sayer. Always have been. I've been raised to be polite, to say hello and how are you, to serve guest first, to share my toys, but also to accept if other children don't want to share theirs. As, a kid I was very shy, and I guess in a way I still am. I hate the feeling of disappointing people. Even strangers.
So you see, the real problem is me. The way I have been raised is now effecting the parenting of my child. In order to be the mother I want to be for my child, I need to go back to reflect on how I was raised. By questioning the reasons for my behavior, I am not only working on being a better mother, but I am also able to understand myself better. In a way, motherhood really is like therapy. If you let it, that is.
I have been making excuses for Amelie's absolutely rational behavior for all these months and I've had enough! Motherhood has taught me a lot about myself and continues to do so, as this seems to be the lesson of growing some balls.
No, my daughter is not spoiled and not impolite if she doesn't smile at you. No, she is not "not friendly" just because she does not wave back at you. No, I am not making her antisocial by keeping her close to me.
Next time, someone thinks they have the right to disrespect her - and it is disrespecting if you invade somebody's private space without their permission, no matter how small or young the person may be - I will stand up for my little girl. I will do so in a polite but firm way: Pulling away the shopping card/stroller, to create more space for my baby, or if that doesn't get the message across, I will pick her up. Sadly, most people will honor the private space of an adult more so than a child's. By having Amelie in my arms, I can give her the security she needs in that situation. I can easily turn her away and put myself in the middle of her and the other person and act as a buffer. She will be able to see me smiling and talking, as I am acting as a role model to teach her how to be social without her having to feel anxious about it.
I am ashamed that I have not done so sooner, but all I can do now is change for the better and be the mother Amelie-, but more so I, can be proud of.
Photo credits: David Machiavello
I am a people-pleaser. I am also a yes-sayer. Always have been. I've been raised to be polite, to say hello and how are you, to serve guest first, to share my toys, but also to accept if other children don't want to share theirs. As, a kid I was very shy, and I guess in a way I still am. I hate the feeling of disappointing people. Even strangers.
So you see, the real problem is me. The way I have been raised is now effecting the parenting of my child. In order to be the mother I want to be for my child, I need to go back to reflect on how I was raised. By questioning the reasons for my behavior, I am not only working on being a better mother, but I am also able to understand myself better. In a way, motherhood really is like therapy. If you let it, that is.
I have been making excuses for Amelie's absolutely rational behavior for all these months and I've had enough! Motherhood has taught me a lot about myself and continues to do so, as this seems to be the lesson of growing some balls.
No, my daughter is not spoiled and not impolite if she doesn't smile at you. No, she is not "not friendly" just because she does not wave back at you. No, I am not making her antisocial by keeping her close to me.
Next time, someone thinks they have the right to disrespect her - and it is disrespecting if you invade somebody's private space without their permission, no matter how small or young the person may be - I will stand up for my little girl. I will do so in a polite but firm way: Pulling away the shopping card/stroller, to create more space for my baby, or if that doesn't get the message across, I will pick her up. Sadly, most people will honor the private space of an adult more so than a child's. By having Amelie in my arms, I can give her the security she needs in that situation. I can easily turn her away and put myself in the middle of her and the other person and act as a buffer. She will be able to see me smiling and talking, as I am acting as a role model to teach her how to be social without her having to feel anxious about it.
I am ashamed that I have not done so sooner, but all I can do now is change for the better and be the mother Amelie-, but more so I, can be proud of.
Photo credits: David Machiavello